Immediately After Death - What to do
This post is written for the person on the hot seat - present and responsible for the actions required in the hours and days after a loved one passes away.
If the death occurred in a hospital or hospice, the staff will be very helpful. They will pronounce the patient dead, and will allow you space and time to experience initial grief. If the death occurred at home, call the treating physician who will come and pronounce death and help you through the next steps. Of course if there is any doubt that the patient might still be alive call an ambulance first. If the death was unexpected, call the police who will send an office and a local coroner or medical examiner. But don’t call the police if the death was expected, they will need to respond with an investigation if you call them to report the death.
As soon as you can, you should call family members. Don’t worry about waking them, if you don’t call they’ll feel left out. The process of making the calls is in itself therapeutic - saying the words out loud confirms the death in your mind and is an important step in the grieving process. They may want to help make calls, and you should let them. Distant relatives and friends would welcome a call from the deceased’s family, and everyone benefits from the process.
The funeral home or cremation service will come and remove the body - hospital or hospice workers will need the name and number of the company you have selected. If the death occurred at home, you will need to call the company yourself after the patient has been pronounced dead. If there is a coroner or medical examiner involved they will usually remove the body for a possible autopsy (usually at no cost to you) and you should instruct them which funeral home or cremation service will collect the body after their examination.
Families often come together immediately after the death of a loved one. Preparing the home for visitors is a good idea - basic food and beverages can be made ready, even though many people will bring food it’s best not to rely on this. When everyone is together you will naturally share memories, but also take a few minutes for planning the memorial service - immediate or delayed, where it will be held, etc.
This is also a good time to write the obituary notice. Most newspapers have online obituary submissions and publication these days, so you can read a few to get an idea of the range of styles. Write a rough draft and share it with family, they will have comments and suggestions that will not only improve the final obit, but also help the healing process and bring the family together. When it is ready to post, remember to post it in the local paper and any home town paper where distant friends will be able to read it. There is a fee for posting, and this is one of the first expenses for the estate - start keeping good records right away.
Someone needs to be responsible for the funeral home or cremation service - this is a good task to delegate. This person should contact the company, make sure the body is being prepared, get copies of the necessary forms and fill them out for the signature of the executor. This is the time to order death certificates, and you should order at least 10 right away as part of the funeral/cremation process. If you already have a list of assets of the estate, you should order about 10 death certificates for general use, plus one for every investment held by the estate. Having someone else handle the forms and speaking with the company allows you to spend more time with family during this critical time.
All through this difficult process remember to sleep, take care of your needs, and experience the loss. Human life is amazing, and during this moment of loss the magnitude of life seems larger and more poignant. The loss of a loved one is a strong human experience that most of us share, and the more loved a person is, the more intense the loss when they pass.