Your parent is dying, you are the executor - now what?
This is a difficult time. On top of the emotions you have responsibilities and decisions to make. This post hopes to outline some priorities and helps you create a to do list.
With your parent
If you haven’t already, now is the time to discover your parent’s wishes regarding end of life medical care. Also confirm their preferences for burial/cremation and memorial services. And stay present - spending time together in their final days should be priority number one. If they are in a hospital or hospice, you should think of yourself as an extension of the facility’s staff. You know when your parent is uncomfortable - what they need, and it’s your job to keep the staff informed.
With your family and friends
Communicate with your family: siblings, spouses, children. Let them know what’s happening, and what to expect in the days ahead. Making decisions as a group and in the open is an excellent way to avoid problems later.
Spouses and family friends often want to help, and you should let them. Someone needs to manage or create a call list, keep everyone up to speed with developments, communicate last wishes with the hospital or hospice staff - and if these tasks can be handed off to trusted people one step removed that can allow you to spend more time with your parent.
Memorial service planning
Sometimes there are very specific instructions from your dying parent, sometimes not. If your parent is religious someone should be making plans with the church (another great spouse or friend task). If a funeral home was selected by your parent, keep in touch with them. If the parent leaves it up to the survivors, consider all your options. Services can be held in a funeral home, in a church’s community center, in a restaurant’s back room, a rented hall, or even outdoors in a park or natural setting. The memorial service can be immediate or anytime within the next few months. Consider travel plans for those who will want to attend when deciding on a date for the services. You will need to reach a consensus decision on the date and location rather quickly, since the memorial information is normally including with death notification phone calls, and in the obituaries. Once the general timeline is known the chore of calling the prospective venues for availability and pricing is another great task to delegate.
Cremation
If your parent has elected cremation, you should know there is a wide variance in price from one funeral home to the next, with little difference in service. In a recent death I had the unfortunate task delegated to me to make the calls to vendors for cremation. I found prices ranged from $500 to $2500 for exactly the same service - so it pays to have someone shop around.
Your parent’s home
Two pieces of advice for immediate action in their home as they pass away: 1. don’t let anyone take anything or claim anything no matter how trivial it seems until the entire family has had a chance to grieve and get back together to discuss the process of splitting up personal possessions. I am amazed that this advice is needed, but there is always someone around looking to get something. 2. someone trusted should visit their home to make it ready for family and friends to congregate after they pass (put valuables and breakables away, clean up any lived-in messiness) and to do a quick sort at their desk looking for a personal phone/address book for notifications and to collect paperwork on assets.