I Don’t Want to Talk About It
Seven words that create so much grief: ”I don’t want to talk about it.”
Sometimes an aging parent brings up their death and the children balk. Sometimes it’s the other way around. Either way, not talking about is worse, so how do we get to the point where talking is OK?
Successful approaches probably vary, but most of us subscribe to one of two schools on how to cope with “uncomfortable but neccessary.” Rip off the bandaid, jump into the deep end, grit your teeth and go. If this is you, then driving into the headwind might work - but keep your antennae up - you don’t want to hurt the one who has trouble talking. Use matter of fact words, a tone of voice that is light and even, and pepper the talk with lot’s of lifelines: ”of course this is a long time away” and “just in case, it won’t really happen” and “fifty years from now.” Some families use humor in this circumstance, but only if that is your family’s pattern - macabre humor could easily make the discomfort worse.
I like the “desensitizing” approach myself, easing into the discussion over time. The idea is to gently push, never enough pressure to create hard resistance, backing off quickly when discomfort starts. “OK, we don’t have to talk about this now, but we will sometime.” Followup up every once in a while, adding a comment, sharing an idea or reflection on the topic until one time bringing it up feels normal, and the topic rejections from the reluctant party lacks the emotions of prior rejections. At this point ask for agreement to talk about it “sometime” without a timeline, because this is easier to accept. Once you have an agreement to talk about it “sometime” the pattern changes, the next time you ask for a time to discuss it - the next visit, or a lunch date, or even after the next holiday get together if you have the luxury of time. At this point it is important to get a date, even if it’s far in the future. Once it’s on the calendar, keep making short comments on the topic, not enough to discomfort but enough to keep the topic simmering. Don’t let the reluctant one off the hook, if they find an excuse to break the appointment make another one in the same conversation. Once it becomes inevitable, they’ll want to “get it over with” and you’ll find on the appointed day that it’s a lot easier to discuss it fully, with all that apprehension melted away to nothing.
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