Talking to Parents About Planning
No one wants to talk about dying. When my dad wanted to talk about his arrangements I didn’t want to be there. Inside a voice was saying NO NO NO so loud I wasn’t able to really listen to what he was saying. After he passed away suddenly some of those conversations came back to me, and I realized the wisdom in his need to discuss the inevitable.
Then my wife and I had two children, and planning for their future became another loud voice in my head. We went to a lawyer and learned about how a will was essential, allowing us to name guardians. Of course that meant we had to have some frank conversations about our extended family members, and that was not fun. Eventually we agreed on candidates, spoke to them about their role, and drafted the will.
When my mom approached 80 years old she asked me to help her plan, and to be her executor. As the youngest of 5 children I was a bit surprised, thinking it was the eldest child who normally stepped up. I think she appreciated my openness about our will planning, and our financial management of our own affairs. So I read up on estate planning and helped her setup her affairs with the following self imposed rules.
First rule: I was a helper, not a decision maker. I tried to be neutral and to facilitate her own decision making process, for example I didn’t try and change her choice of executor.
Second rule: Our discussions were in confidence. I did not share her thinking or her decisions with my siblings without her consent. She needed someone to talk to, a place to air ideas and see how they felt when spoken aloud. Some thoughts didn’t fly, and they were spoken once and discarded. Confidentiality is essential to allow the ‘trial balloon’ and the ‘potential issue’ to surface and be tested in the light of day.
Her main goals were good ones: eliminate conflict in her children after her death, simplify the process, specify her wishes regarding services, and to protect her small estate from taxation.
We set up a living trust to avoid probate (with more than $50,000 in Arizona we did not qualify for the small estate exclusion) and transferred the house title, car title and financial accounts into the trust. All siblings would have an equal share of the cashed out estate. Some estate plans don’t do this, if one sibling has received a larger financial assistance from their parents while alive, they are sometimes left with less than a full share. Sometimes a sibling has higher needs because of a disability or a career that helps the world but does not provide a strong income and receives a larger share. In our case a straight divide made sense.
We talked with the siblings about how to divvy up the personal possessions, as all of us had sentimental attachments to something in our family home. We decided that no items had overwhelming monetary value, so all items were dealt with equally in a round robin selection process when we prepared the house for sale. Sets were considered one item by consent at the beginning of the process. We would draw straws for the order of selection. Some estates have personal items with significant monetary value, and in this case there is often an appraisal done prior, with the divvy process containing dollar value elements to maintain fairness.
Mom was generous in nature, especially as she entered her later years. She would routinely offer to give away items in her home. My siblings resisted her efforts for them to take this or that, saying they really did like that vase or picture, but they wanted it to stay in the home for everyone’s enjoyment for as long as possible. This was by agreement, because it maintained the fairness of our planned divvy. We joked about the caregivers and housekeepers receipt of gifts, since Mom would give them things they liked - but all agreed that her possessions were hers to do with as she liked. If we wanted a particular item (and we all had a few favorites) we had to share that with her, and she would not give those items away. Some families mark items with stickers on the back or bottom to help keep track, but we didn’t find that necessary.
When she passed away, her memorial service was great - just as she wanted. Our family came together and celebrated her life without any concern about inheritance because we all knew it was settled and fair. We were free to mourn, to bond in our love for our mother, and to grieve for our loss.
In the next few weeks I swept her accounts, decided on how to sell the house, and disbursed the majority of her cash assets to the siblings. We got back together with pickup trucks at the family home, and did the divvy. It was a hard day, seeing our home of 40 years dismantled before our eyes, with some sad moments and some tears. One surprise as we dwindled down our efforts and there was a large selection of items left for charity; some were considered emotionally significant. So it went from “I’d like this” to “I can’t let this go to charity, so I’ll take it” with a few hours work in between. None of us smoked, but Dad’s favorite ashtray didn’t go to Goodwill.
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